


in which the kids are alright

by spaceboinate



Series: Pesterlogs [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, As in everyone in a group chat, Everyone talks, F/F, F/M, Fuck tags man, Humanstuck, I know you're lying, I think I'm funny, I'm sorry if I missed any in the tags, Literally all the characters - Freeform, M/M, Multi, Pesterlog, Please don't say you laughed, Sexuality, There could be hundreds of different relationships, i was bored, i'll stop now, identity crisis, this is some gay shit, uh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-18
Updated: 2016-06-21
Packaged: 2018-07-15 19:17:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7235200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spaceboinate/pseuds/spaceboinate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the alpha kids, beta kids and trolls are all part of a group chat courtesy of dave. </p>
<p>aka just pesterlogs</p>
<p>please don't shoot me</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. and now we're stressed out

**Author's Note:**

> Idk how often I'll update so bear with me. Formatting is a bitch and I hate myself for doing it but look I needed to post something ok 
> 
> I also have no ideas for my current fanfics I apologise
> 
> And I apologise if any seem ooc, please shoot me some comments telling me how bad I did

turntechGodhead [TG] opened up memo  listen up mofos 

TG: so this is for everyone since were all pals here   
TG: and by everyone i mean everyone   
TG: in our group which is like   
TG: fifty million fucking people   
ectoBiologist [EB] responded to memo   
EB: hey dave! you couldn't bear being away from your friends so you opened up a memo?   
TG: stfu egbert   
TG: we needed a group chat   
TG: saves everyone the hassle of having to talk to so many seperately   
tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo   
TT: I have to agree with David here, John. I do believe that a group chat was in order.   
TG: rose dont call me david   
TG: its dave   
TT: David sounds more formal.   
TT: And you hate it, therefore I must use it.   
timaeusTestified [TT]  responded to memo   
TT: Dave, we aren't in the same grade. I'm surprised you invited us as well.   
golgothasTerror [GT]  responded to memo   
GT: Oh! Is this the group chat you mentioned dirk?   
TT: Unfortunately.   
EB: wait, you invited dirk and jake too? does that mean jane and roxy are gonna be here?   
TG: well duh egderp i did say everyone   
TG: and i know you have some weird ass thing with roxy   
TG: but keep your raging heterosexual feelings on the down low k thnkz   
tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  responded to memo   
TG: raging heerosexul feelngs?   
TG: *heterosexual feelings   
EB: jesus dave it isn't like that!   
TG: sure it isn't   
TG: mr "oh golly gee im not a homosexual!"   
TG: also read that last bit in a high pitch voice   
TG: so you know for sure it was an imitation of egbert   
EB: it isn't! me and roxy had a study date because she needed help with biology!   
TT: Roxy and I.   
EB: shut it strider.   
TG: im gy anyway   
TG: *gay   
EB: wait you are?   
TG: oh my god   
TG: jade owes me ten bucks   
gardenGnostic [GG]  responded to memo   
GG: wait so i was wrong??? no!!   
TG: suck it harley   
TG: pay up tomorrow or else   
GG: fine fine! but as if you could take me anyway dave!!   
EB: geeeeeeeez roxy that's surprising.   
TG: john youre hanging w/ spider bitch too much   
TG: you used eight es   
EB: bluh dave that doesnt mean anything! besides vriska's nice to me.   
TT: Because you're the only one that can stand her, John.   
carcinoGeneticist [CG]  responded to memo   
CG: THEY'RE RIGHT EGBERT. YOU'RE THE ONLY FUCKING IDIOT WHO CAN STAND TO BE AROUND VRISKA FOR MORE THAN A MINUTE.   
EB: oh hey karkles!   
CG: I TOLD YOU TO STOP WITH THE DAMN NICKNAMES YOU TINY FUCKING PILE OF SHIT.   
EB: karkat you do realise you are shorter than me.   
CG: BY TEN CENTIMETRES.   
TG: shouty mcnubs is here great   
CG: WHAT THE FUCK.   
CG: THATS THE WORST NAME YET.   
TT: Goodness, Karkles, seems you might need to take what most people would refer to as a "chill pill".   
CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP LALONDE.   
grimAuxiliatrix [GA]  responded to memo   
GA: Karkat, Might I Suggest You Don't Yell At My Girlfriend Like That   
CG: ...   
CG: SORRY KANAYA.   
EB: karkat you're apologising?   
CG: I'M NOT A COMPLETE ASSHOLE TO MY MOIRAIL, DIPSHIT.   
TG: karkles dont offend my best bro like that   
CG: FUCK OFF STRIDER. I DO WHAT I WANT.   
CG: TELL YOUR BOYFRIEND TO STOP BEING SO DAMN ANNOYING.   
TG: kinda hard to do when is he not annoying   
TG: but its cute   
EB: wha- hey! we aren't dating! and i'm not cute, dave!   
TT: We know, John. You aren't a homosexual.   
EB: well actually... that might not be as true as i thought it was.   
TG: what   
TG: john are you coming out   
CG: OH MY GOD JOHN DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE ACTUALLY GAY.   
TT: I would be willing to bet that it's due to your close relationship to David.   
TG: its dave   
twinArmageddons [TA]  responded to memo   
TA: ii come on two jb comiing out.   
TA: je2u2 fuck.   
TT: It's almost like everyone but you knew you were gay, Egbert. What a surprise.   
GT: Congrats, johnny boy!   
GG: aww john its okay! no one here is homophobic at least :)   
arachnidsGrip [AG]  responded to memo   
AG: I knew you could do it, John!!!!!!!   
EB: guys! i'm not gay either! i don't know what i am but i like both genders!   
TT: There is such a sexuality known as bisexual. You know, what I identify as. I talked to you about this before.   
EB: yeah maybe i am that.   
TG: whoa what   
TG: since when did you two talk   
TG: dirk i thought you couldn't stand john   
TT: He has his moments. He comes to me frequently about these things.   
EB: and dirk comes to me when he wants my opinion on his own problems.   
TG: why not me   
EB: its kinda something i can't really go to you about dave.   
EB: besides, dirk offered to help me since jane told him about me moping.   
gutsyGumshoe [GG]  responded to memo   
GG: And mope he did indeed! Oh ho ho!   
EB: jane you're finally here!   
GG: Hello John.   
TT: Jane messaged me, telling me Egbert had been moping in his room for a week.   
TT: Apparently she thought since we don't like each other, I would be able to straighten him out.   
TT: And I did.   
TG: makes sense i guess   
CG: IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE JEALOUS.   
TG: am not   
TG: just wondering why little eggie wouldnt want to go to the better strider   
TT: He did.   
TG: then why didnt he come to me   
EB: guys stop fighting!   
EB: also dave! i'm not little!   
GG: john youre as short as karkles!!   
CG: STOP WITH THE FUCKING NICKNAMES JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.   
GG: never!!! ;)))   
TG: egbert youre like a smol shota boy   
TT: He has a point.   
EB: not true! i'm not that small and i am definitely taller than karkat!   
TT: I don't think anyone believes that for a second.    
EB: shoosh rose!   
GG: Everyone should be doing homework right now.   
GG: If it has not been done already.   
EB: i did mine as soon as i got home.   
TG: nerd   
TG: but yeah it is getting late   
TG: later   
GG: bye everyone! :0   
GG: Goodbye for now.   
EB: bye!   
TT: I suppose I should head off too.    
TT: Later.   
CG: WHATEVER BYE.   
TA: 2ee you tomorrow ii gue22.   
GA: Goodbye Everyone   
GT: Bye!   
TG: bye!   
AG: I wasn't hear much 8ut l8terrrrrrrr!   



	2. all my friends are heathens take it slow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TG: john youre the biggest fucking idiot ive ever met    
>  TG: and trust me    
>  TG: ive met a lot 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again im sorry for this trash
> 
> but enjoy

EB: so i may or may not have gotten myself suspended.   
TG: wait   
TG: what   
GG: oh no!! john what did you do? D:   
TG: john youre meant to be the good kid   
TG: and im meant to be the one getting suspended   
TG: like cmon this is basic knowledge here   
TT: Is it perhaps because of the fight?   
EB: you know?   
TT: Yes, I was there.   
TT: You got into a fight, John? That's not like you.   
EB: can i explain at least?   
EB: ...   
EB: waited a couple a minutes, so i'll explain then.   
EB: so eridan was being a jackass again and he was spewing shit, so...   
EB: i told him "why don't you suck on your own dick instead, you fuck". and he got all offended so he pinned me against the locker, with people gathering around to watch.   
EB: and so i punched him after he started yelling stuff at me, then it turned into a fight, but i think i won.   
TG: dude youre so small how the fuck   
TG: and i didnt think you were a fighter   
GT: Gosh! Are you alright mate?   
EB: well i'm fine, apart from my glasses being broken and my nose bleeding. i might also have a black eye for two weeks. and maybe some bruised ribs?  
CG: WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK DID THAT JACKASS SAY TO GET YOU THAT MAD?   
CG: BECAUSE ITS DEFINITELY NOT LIKE YOU TO GET PISSED ENOUGH TO PUNCH SOMEONE.   
EB: uh...   
TG: hate to do it bro but   
TG: i agree with karkles   
TG: see you have me that worried   
TG: im agreeing with vantas for once   
CG: STOP CALLING ME KARKLES YOU DICK SUCKING DOUCHEWAFFLE.   
TG: douchewaffle   
TG: are you even listening to yourself   
CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD SHUT UP AND LET THE DUMBASS SPEAK.   
EB: i really dont want to say what he said.   
EB: i cant remember the exact wording anyway, all i remember is seeing red before punching him.   
TT: He insulted Dave and I.   
TG: what   
TG: john got hurt because i was insulted   
TG: john youre the biggest fucking idiot ive ever met   
TG: and trust me   
TG: ive met a lot   
EB: no one gets to talk shit about my best friend and his brother.   
TG: john have you ever heard of a strider taking care of himself   
EB: I KNOW YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.   
EB: i was just pissed beyond words at him! i'm not going to let you get insulted by him, so i fought back.   
TT: John, I'm coming over to make sure you're alright. If only to put everyone's minds at ease.   
EB: uh sure rose but why would everyone be that worried over a stupid fight?   
TT: Because you're the "baby" of the group, which is what Jake just told me.   
TT: The fuckhead ran out of charge so he can't reply right now.   
GG: and it's because youre an idiot john!! you take care of us but forget about yourself! :(((   
GG: so we want to help you too!   
TT: Yes and Dave must be worried more than any of us, even if he doesn't like to show it.   
TG: fuck you rose   
TG: and egbert im kicking your ass when you get back   
TG: for being such a fucking idiot   
CG: I WILL TOO BECAUSE YOU DONT TAKE ON THAT POMPOUS ASSHOLE JUST BECAUSE HE INSULTED STRIDER.   
EB: guys... come on, i'll be fine! it's just a small bruise hehe :B   
TT: Amongst other things.   
EB: yeah well it really isn't anything to worry about. i am more worried about school anyway!   
TG: just be careful next time aight   
EB: yeah i will, thanks guys for caring :B   



	3. in which the author talks with the reader

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so this is a small chapter regarding some background information about this story ??? and i used a pesterlog format fight me
> 
> selfInsert just means that you put your own handle there so it feels as if you're talking with me 
> 
> also quantumFantasy is my chumhandle if anyone with pesterchum wants to hit me up :)

quantumFantasy [QF]  began pestering  selfInsert [SI]

QF: Hello there!   
QF: I assume you're here to talk about some things that might help this story make more sense to you?   
SI: please get on with it    
QF: Oh all right. Shoot me some questions then!   
SI: are you using your own headcanons?    
QF: Yup! Like with Dirk and John not getting along? That's courtesy of how I portray my John and my friend portrays Dirk. They don't /hate/ each other, but they don't tend to talk to each other either. Dirk and John do get along for the sake of others, but generally don't want much to do with each other. John does go to Dirk for advice on his gender and sexuality, as well as his crushes.   
SI: what pairings are there gonna be?    
QF: Honestly? I don't know. All I know is I want JohnDave, JohnKat and DaveKat so they'll be an OT3. DirkJake is a must. As is Rosemary. Though some that end up happening, may change.   
SI: why did you make eridan the bully?    
QF: Eridan isn't the bully. He and John have a major dislike of each other, and he's the only one John can get truly mad at. Almost as if they could be in a kismesis. So when he teases John, John does the same back.   
QF: But I do love Eridan to bits as well so nothing major will happen with him.   
SI: do you honestly think you're funny?    
QF: Yes qwq   
SI: ...    
SI: thats all i guess    
QF: Shoot me some more questions in if you have anymore and I'll be happy to answer!    


quantumFantasy [QF] ceased pestering  selfInsert [SI] 


	4. cause baby i was born this way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GG: no fair dave!! you have to have more at least!!    
>  TG: nope soz harley    
>  TG: only have enough for me and my baes    
>  EB: for the last time stop using that word.    
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im trash

TG: guess who got tickets to see lady gaga   
TG: thats right   
TG: this hot mess right here   
TG: cause baby i was born to win   
TG: i have two extras as well   
GG: oh dave! who else are you taking??   
TG: john obviously   
TG: the kids never been to a concert   
TG: can you believe that shit   
EB: what?? since when do i not get a say in this?   
TG: nop   
TG: also i talked to daddy egbert so dont worry your sweet lil egbooty about paying for anything   
EB: don't call him that dave thats disgusting.   
TT: I'm not entirely sure I want to know the backstory behind "daddy egbert".   
TT: But congratulations on asking John out on a date.   
EB: it is not a date! and i have not even agreed yet!   
TG: as if you would say no to a date with a strider   
GG: it kinda sounds like a date if you think about it   
TG: three-way actually   
TG: vantas just accepted the other ticket   
GG: no fair dave!! you have to have more at least!!   
TG: nope soz harley   
TG: only have enough for me and my baes   
EB: for the last time stop using that word.   
TG: im only gonna use it more now   
EB: ugh.   
CG: IF STRIDER WASN'T SO OBNOXIOUSLY EGOTISTICAL THEN MAYBE I WOULD BE LOOKING MORE FORWARD TO THIS.   
CG: AS IT STANDS, I WAS FUCKING FORCED TO ACCEPT AS WELL.  
TG: more like persuaded   
TG: youre making it sound like im a criminal here   
TG: which im not ill have you know   
TG: im as loving and caring as i should be   
TG: boyfriend material   
CG: FUCKING BULLSHIT. I DONT HOLD THOSE FEELINGS FOR YOU, YOU EVERLOVING SAD SACK OF DICKS.   
EB: yeah uh i don't either dave.   
TG: not yet but you both will   
TG: look accept the tickets and we can hang together   
CG: UGH. FUCKING FINE. IF IT'LL GET YOU TO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE THEN I WILL.   
EB: ...   
EB: fine. but don't go telling people its a date!   
TG: its a date and im going to woo the fuck out of you both with my strider charm   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> daddy egbert came to mind literally when i wrote this and i would love to see a story behind it
> 
> also if anyone wants to write scenes from this (hint: eridan and john's fight scene) then please feel free to! i would love to see some


	5. come fly with me (lets fly away)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GA: I Realise That The School Dance Is Coming Up    
>  GA: So Will You Do Me The Honor Of Being My Date    
>  TG: jesus fuck youre dating theres literally no need to ask    
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> someone requested rosemary, yes? 
> 
> i apologise for any oocness, i'm still getting used to some of these characters, but here's my shitty attempt at mainly rose and kanaya

GA: Rose   
TT: Ah, good afternoon Kanaya. Did you miss me already?   
TT: School did only just end, after all.   
GA: I Realise That The School Dance Is Coming Up   
GA: So Will You Do Me The Honor Of Being My Date   
TG: jesus fuck youre dating theres literally no need to ask   
GA: It Makes Me Happy To Ask Her As If We're Not Dating   
TT: Kanaya, you have me swooning. Of course, I would not want to miss out on having you to myself for the night.   
TT: Of course I will go to the dance with you.   
GA: Would You Like To Go To Dinner Beforehand   
TT: Dinner sounds lovely, we shall need to leave earlier then.   
GA: Of Course   
GA: I Will Come Pick You Up Then   
GA: Most Likely In A Limo   
TT: Wonderful, it's a date then, dear girlfriend.   
TT: Perhaps we can even go shopping together for accessories and a dress for myself.   
TT: Tomorrow, after school?   
GA: Its A Date   
TT: Perfect, this has made my day.   
TT: <3   
GA: <3   
TG: shit i need to find a date too   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bit of a short one bc i have no inspiration  
> make some requests!!! i would be happy to be given ideas 
> 
> i also cant write these two so i hope i did them justice
> 
> criticism is welcome

**Author's Note:**

> fuck me


End file.
